Wednesday Afternoon...... Alone at last!

It's a Wednesday here, I am bored.. both children could not keep there eyes open therefore i laid them down, whats weird is i don't know if i can concentrate with out the noise. I have been driving my husband too and from work for the past week, after a disagreement with him taking my car. It's hard being stuck at home with just the thought that you know you cannot go anywhere, my life is filled with unexpected Arron's, any who. I just started the blog thing recently, i have been searching blogs from people all around the world it is quite interesting to see how others live, most of my blogs are just rambling & at times i wish no one knew i had one so i could almost express honesty on here. With me though if others were to know how i truly felt about things, they would be either shocked-mad-discouraged-glad-emotions we don't even know we have, I am just strange i have always felt that way in this world i do however know my place here on earth for the most part, i do not know what gods expectation's are beside try and do right by him and others, i try.. - but see i have so many burning roads that seem to overwhelm me, when i was younger i used to write alot in a what we all call a diary, it was healthy for me to express what i was feeling without having to hear what other people thought about it, i would simply write how i felt and it worked. some sunny or rainy day my wonderful step of a mother literally half the women that a mother is supposed to be, anyhow sore subject shorter, found or (went searching for) still haven't found out the truth behind it all discovered it, i was shamed what i thought was secrets between me and a friend was more humiliating evidence that i was not following or doing right by god, in fact i was far gone of the right road. Later on i had found out that my boyfriend and best friend had relations behind my back not only was i humiliated for what my FATHER had found out..but humiliated from everyone who knew what he and her had done. At that point in my life i think i gave up on hope, trust & true love. Here i am, almost 4 years later, i love & i trust and i hope that things will get better. Just to share a bitter part of my childhood with you that could let you all see who i have become now.
more to share with you later.. off to pick up my husband.

Easter Sunday!

Easter Sunday was great! another year enjoying family && the food that comes with them. LOL. I am a big eater, foods of all shapes and colors.. there isn't much i don't like. Somewhere along the way i grew to appreciate the lords mysterious wonders of the world. I can be a big health nut or a cholesterol junkie. LOL. food in general is amazing. This year we had BBQ brisket, mashed potatoes, fried corn, coleslaw, garlic bread & beans at my request, which was all prepared by my grandmother, I am usually in the kitchen with her carrying on the tradition of preparing the meal for our guest but this year i was playing the Easter bunny hiding the eggs for my 3 year old daughter to hunt. She was super excited when she realized again that they were filled with candy, the wonderful meal was completely out of her mind LOL. We prayed to the lord before we scarfed down the wonderful food which might i add was followed by some amazing banana pudding, which my grandma Lois is keeping the tradition alive with. Before my granny passed away she was the one we relied on to bring the banana pudding, but now that she's gone her daughter is living the tradition on, i am sure that i will also. Easter for me was a day to appreciate the joys of being alive and having such a wonderful family to spend it with. My Grandfather Blake, was deacon of the week at our church Elkins Lake, after some beautiful choir music was sung, he said a perfect prayer. We should all be thankful for what Jesus did and how died such a terrible death to forgive us all for our sins that he knew we would sin. My Father wasn't able to make it to Easter dinner this year, but i know if he could of he would of. He loves us all!

Easter is here, BELIEVE!!!

It seems when i finally get up, i fall right back down. It has been like this most of my life, I am 20 years old & yes i still believe in fairy tail love or well i thought i did. I am also someone who believes that helping someone can lead to an honest life. I believe that everyone and i mean everyone makes a few horrible decision's in there life time, i believe in accepting others from the outside. & cherishing every minute of the ones that are near.
We have all made some rotten mistakes, especially me in the last year. I guess i haven't been to sorry for anything because i have failed at asking God for forgiveness... & whats holding me back is myself. This Easter can we all open our hearts to love completely & cherish our family's, despite the mistakes, despite the stress, despite the situation, Can we all learn to get along and LOVE again like our savior Jesus Christ would of wanted us to do.

Fed UP!!!

Im sitting here, thinking! Of all the things i have done for others i dont quite understand the concept of the good that comes with it. I am so pissed off right now i just need someone to talk to. Things are falling apart, our financial troubles have put such a burden on me, i can hardly afford a pack of pampers anymore Whats wrong with this picture??? Noone wants to help us when we are in need, everyone is either broke or claming to be.. where is family when you need them? I really am confused with this whole situation as to why my life can be so crazy insane.
I dont have anyone to talk to about it. I dont have any reasonable soultions.. I would love to leave it all behind and run away... sometimes i think if i was just to divorce myself from this whole crazy situation i could really do alot better for myself and my kids. You see i have what some like to call a strong mind but over the last 4 years of my marriage i have lost it... is it because of his mother? because of his sisters? because of his family..?? or is it my family? my brothers always try and help me when they can, they are actually the only ones i can rely on, the only ones i know will help us and not hold it over my head. Others in both sides of the family just remember what they've done for us, not what i have done for them. I have bent myself backwards for both sides of this insane family... putting out everything i can to calm and silvilze a family but hell in return they only remember the small bits i have done for them whatever though right... i can only live for myself. whatever though right!! whatever... i cant even talk about it anymore im fed up with telling everyone whats wrong with them... they done listen anyways im done for now!

What is in our past, dosent always stay!

It's been some time since ive played with this, my brothers just got the computer back up and running again, no telling how long before it's broken all over again. For those who dont know we are back in the house, we never stop being punished. What should be a very happy time for us, has turned out to be worrisome & exhausting, weve choose to make the best of things. I will most likely be returning to work soon, our finanical institue has been trying to drown us latley, so i figured i should jump back in the ocean with the big sharks to wrestle them all to the ground.
It's been a little over a year since i have had my son, and it's really strange how the days have gone bye. I feel like i have missed so much, taking on another job wont be easy either, first you feel like things are going to be alright, but eventually the spouses start fading apart, the kids start wondering where the heck is there mom, basically things get difficult. I am going to try and avoid confortation. I think having a mother at home is the best for any child & then i agree with mothers who have to make it by themselfs. My opinions are mine only & in all hopes that they do not offened anyone on here i just feel freely to speak about the wife & housemothers.
We threw a get to gether this weekend. quite strange actually, found out the neighbors true colors, but i had my brothers there protecting the BIGGER sister all the way. it's strange how things wind up. I wish magic truly exsisted, i could wave my magic wand and things would be alright, the pyscho's would be normal, the whores would have respect for themselfs and others, the loud mouths would turn it down a notch, we all have flaws i guess thats one of the biggest things huh? So i was talking with my husband the other night, things used to be so simple before Hurrican IKE.. that name just makes me quiver. I want to start going to church again. I am scared that if i do things will fall back out of place, we were so comfy before, we had a great church and friendly members, and my little girl just loved to be with other kids learning about "jesus" she always is talking about jesus, and even know im not a scholar in that subject i try and anwser all her questions she has... "mommy why does jesus live so far us there? "mommy why does jesus turn out the lights for the whole worls at night? really cute but yet smart questions, sometimes i reply with "one day baby we will all be able to ask him anything we want, so if you can be paitent and just trust that you'll get those anwsered things will work smoothly" she's alot like me, curious about everything and stuborn to the bone. I have repeated my self a hundred times today for her to get that room clean & she will let me waste my breath because she's know's it's going to irriate me so bad i'll end up cleaning it.. Hello, a little help jayleigh would be nice for mommy!!! I guess thats life, my husband called earlier and said he was going to surpise me with something for lunch i was like please done use your debit card, we dont have but like 2 dollars in the bank, i think it upset his figure and mentailty of a man that he is... upset because i ruined the surpise but heck had i let him gone through with whatever then 2 days later our account would be showing overdrawn.
Ciggerate prices went up, almost makes me want to quit. I mean i want to quit but i dont want to go through the actuality of letting the nicotine go forever. The days when i feel like i cant go on a ciggerate is a friend for the needy. It is like 7 dollars a pack now, so being there is no money in the bank im writing to help clear my mind of it... i guess it's not working too well considering im writing a paragraph about ciggerates. LOL!
The yard is disastrious... straight torn up, but i spoke to our insurance company who i think is going to replace the grass and dirt that was torn up because of the machinary that was brought in to remove the tree's. That is one positive.
I am getting so desperate for money now! I cant stop stressing about anything. which is one more reason i smoke. It seems like i have bundles of stress lying on my shoulder that i just wish would roll off. i guess thats life though.
I will write tomorrow. "bon voage for now"