Late Night thoughts.

I am always reminding myself, that everything will be ok. I didn't ever think I would end up in the shoes I wear, but that doesn't mean I cant enjoy the ones I have on. I am under what feels like more stress than I have ever had. Between being a full time Mom, Full time Job, and Full time Wife... .along with lots of friends that rely on my motivation & support, I've sort of lost myself and my sanity. And I do not want that to reflect on my smile & my happiness. I always knew I wanted a family, one that would be worth bragging about. I've noticed that sometimes you just have to accept the hand you where dealt with. My family is just my kids and my husband. WE ALL have bad days, but we have such GOOD ones too. Despite everything, I married my Husband, Brian McDonald because he opened doors for me in life, being the 11 year age difference, he's my first truest friend. My family doesn't care for him much, but that doesn't bother us, because we are all different people and I don't care much for there way of life. Some of them are Moochers, always calling when they need something. The other one that tried to play Mom in my Life, more or so emotionally imbalanced me. Thank you Lord though! Had they had been perfect as they could be, than maybe I wouldn't be as grateful as I am for what I have been given. I started a new job, and it's pressurized. First job I've ever accepted and walked into blind. I love the apartment business & not to sound coincident, I am actually pretty amazing at it. I love the customer one on one, and getting to meet new people everyday, and getting to stay in touch with ones you've watch create a home on site. It's a great feeling! My boss seems like she has lots of experience, just no schedule or coordination & sometimes the office pays for that. So if your like me, and once someone says something disrespectful or even slightly embarrasses you, it's hard to want to be at work everyday. I know she probably has a lot of great qualities as a manager, but I haven't seen anything worth bragging about. I normally continue to remain friends with every manager & supervisor I've ever had. So this is another new road I am walking down, and worried about. I need team mates, not a office full of drama & back stabbing. You should be able to trust your Co-Workers, because you spend more time with them a day, than you do your own family. I have got to believe God is watching out for me even know if feels like I am standing in the middle of a storm. I am his child and he knows what's best. I am giving myself a few months to read up on Anxiety and Handling it under pressure, and I also want to understand a little more why I care so much about what people think. I am looking for all book suggestions, and would appreciate something that I can fit and read into my schedule. Work tomorrow again, all weekend just to complete a last min HUGE job thrown my way, so getting off for now... and going to rest up some much needed peace. Sleep with Angels Jayleigh & Lane, Mommy loves you more than anyone or anything in this world. You are my forever & I will always support you. -Leah Bia

Finding the hope, believing in love & keeping the strength.

I like to write. I like to open a notebook and let my thoughts fall out. It’s almost like it clears my mind to talk to myself.

So much has happened this year, and it’s been too long since I have really just taken a moment to capture it all. I’ve made some amazing friends, lost a few un-amazing ones. Watched my Children grow, watched myself grow. Left one job for another, learned a little along the way. Moved more than once, tried to patch back together a broken relationship, struggled with a new relationship. I have acted my age on too many occasions. I have seen the world through a magnified glass this past year of 2011. I really think 2011 was my year to grow, and I think although it was very hard to see threw all the chaos, it happened beautifully.

It has been almost 4 years I believe since I have posted a blog. I innocently forgot my password and login up until a few minutes ago. I started reading back on my blogs posted from 2009- when I was still married. Yep, I said it… I am a divorcee, nothing to be proud of. What most Women face after a Divorce is finalized is failure. The thought that we where not able to succeed at something, but this is so unbelievably not true. I would like to say I escaped a horrible relationship but I can not. What happened between Josh (my ex husband) and I, is very sad and tragic. Two children in High School that thought they had the world figured out. They fought so many small (but what seemed to be Large) obstacles. I was 16 when I conceived our first child. I thought I had myself figured out. Years of stress and worries left me no choice but to give up on a relationship that died already in my head. It’s sad because we could have had it all. Nothing left for me to do but move forward, as he is doing too.

But this is what Divorce has taught me. Divorce taught me to fight a little harder, focus my mind a little better, and don’t take for granite each extra chance we get to let that person we love know just how we feel.

The kids are great! The last I saw I posted about them was in reference to my Son’s upcoming 1st birthday. We are now approaching his 4th. Wow, still blows my mind to see what all has changed. My daughter will be 7 soon and is now in Kindergarten. She made most outstanding student for 9 weeks. She is gifted. I am trying to instill the best morals I can into them, but will not sit here and claim to be perfect. I just hope they give the world a 100% regardless of what the world decides to offer them.

I’ve met a lot of great new people. Some have helped me through what I believed at the time, was the worst days of my life. I watched many of my girlfriends in the last year become single moms and I watched how most of us did it with what dignity and strength we had left. I’ve held them up as they’ve held me up. Friendship, it’s a circle that never ends.

I hope that I can start to find the time to post many more blogs because I want the world to see there is always still hope. I Love sharing my story even if it’s with complete strangers.

Xoxo,
Leah Bia

another day in this crazy mixed up world.

These past few weeks have been quite difficult. First, my wondering of where i had gotten in life left me enrolling in a small college program, after the hussle and hassle of all that i felt a little accomplished. Second, battering battle again leaves me confused and discouraged, my husband quit his job of two years, this has once again put my life on hold.. i now will figure out a financial dilema that we have accured. Third, Interview of interview for him have us wondering if jobs are ever going to hire. My anniversary of 4 years of marriage will be at the end of June, and what's a girl to do.. how do you celebrate something that has been such a battle?

My mind dose not work properly anymore, i find myself trying to figure a plan out for our hecktic agenda and yet wind up merely confused as where i should start.

My Children have been giving me a little more than problems lately, some say it's the age, or the new adjustment; I say it's the timing.. they know when to push buttons, when mommy's completley out of her elements... what do you think? there kids heck do they have that ability to know when things are going compeltley wrong? Do they mean to push and push? I have yet to figure that one out.

Simple things have me upset, for instance, looking at my car mileage yesterday really upset me, i bought the car with 140,000 miles and have owned it for 6 months, i bought it because supposidly lexus have the ability to be driven if tooken car of for up to 300,000 miles.. in six months i have put over 30,000 miles i am now at 176,000 miles only because i am the shoufer the one with the reliable vehicle. I feel used when i look at the mileage.. see, simple things like that upset me.

Being that my husband is TEMP OFF WORK, i feel that some of the chores around the house he could help with instead, once again i feel like i still hold my own weight.

To simply sit here and bitch does noithing for my self esteem or my mentailty.. i am the only one who can change the way i feel, only i control my emotions.. but how do i do that??

For now, Leah

Wednesday Afternoon...... Alone at last!

It's a Wednesday here, I am bored.. both children could not keep there eyes open therefore i laid them down, whats weird is i don't know if i can concentrate with out the noise. I have been driving my husband too and from work for the past week, after a disagreement with him taking my car. It's hard being stuck at home with just the thought that you know you cannot go anywhere, my life is filled with unexpected Arron's, any who. I just started the blog thing recently, i have been searching blogs from people all around the world it is quite interesting to see how others live, most of my blogs are just rambling & at times i wish no one knew i had one so i could almost express honesty on here. With me though if others were to know how i truly felt about things, they would be either shocked-mad-discouraged-glad-emotions we don't even know we have, I am just strange i have always felt that way in this world i do however know my place here on earth for the most part, i do not know what gods expectation's are beside try and do right by him and others, i try.. - but see i have so many burning roads that seem to overwhelm me, when i was younger i used to write alot in a what we all call a diary, it was healthy for me to express what i was feeling without having to hear what other people thought about it, i would simply write how i felt and it worked. some sunny or rainy day my wonderful step of a mother literally half the women that a mother is supposed to be, anyhow sore subject shorter, found or (went searching for) still haven't found out the truth behind it all discovered it, i was shamed what i thought was secrets between me and a friend was more humiliating evidence that i was not following or doing right by god, in fact i was far gone of the right road. Later on i had found out that my boyfriend and best friend had relations behind my back not only was i humiliated for what my FATHER had found out..but humiliated from everyone who knew what he and her had done. At that point in my life i think i gave up on hope, trust & true love. Here i am, almost 4 years later, i love & i trust and i hope that things will get better. Just to share a bitter part of my childhood with you that could let you all see who i have become now.
more to share with you later.. off to pick up my husband.

Easter Sunday!

Easter Sunday was great! another year enjoying family && the food that comes with them. LOL. I am a big eater, foods of all shapes and colors.. there isn't much i don't like. Somewhere along the way i grew to appreciate the lords mysterious wonders of the world. I can be a big health nut or a cholesterol junkie. LOL. food in general is amazing. This year we had BBQ brisket, mashed potatoes, fried corn, coleslaw, garlic bread & beans at my request, which was all prepared by my grandmother, I am usually in the kitchen with her carrying on the tradition of preparing the meal for our guest but this year i was playing the Easter bunny hiding the eggs for my 3 year old daughter to hunt. She was super excited when she realized again that they were filled with candy, the wonderful meal was completely out of her mind LOL. We prayed to the lord before we scarfed down the wonderful food which might i add was followed by some amazing banana pudding, which my grandma Lois is keeping the tradition alive with. Before my granny passed away she was the one we relied on to bring the banana pudding, but now that she's gone her daughter is living the tradition on, i am sure that i will also. Easter for me was a day to appreciate the joys of being alive and having such a wonderful family to spend it with. My Grandfather Blake, was deacon of the week at our church Elkins Lake, after some beautiful choir music was sung, he said a perfect prayer. We should all be thankful for what Jesus did and how died such a terrible death to forgive us all for our sins that he knew we would sin. My Father wasn't able to make it to Easter dinner this year, but i know if he could of he would of. He loves us all!

Easter is here, BELIEVE!!!

It seems when i finally get up, i fall right back down. It has been like this most of my life, I am 20 years old & yes i still believe in fairy tail love or well i thought i did. I am also someone who believes that helping someone can lead to an honest life. I believe that everyone and i mean everyone makes a few horrible decision's in there life time, i believe in accepting others from the outside. & cherishing every minute of the ones that are near.
We have all made some rotten mistakes, especially me in the last year. I guess i haven't been to sorry for anything because i have failed at asking God for forgiveness... & whats holding me back is myself. This Easter can we all open our hearts to love completely & cherish our family's, despite the mistakes, despite the stress, despite the situation, Can we all learn to get along and LOVE again like our savior Jesus Christ would of wanted us to do.

Fed UP!!!

Im sitting here, thinking! Of all the things i have done for others i dont quite understand the concept of the good that comes with it. I am so pissed off right now i just need someone to talk to. Things are falling apart, our financial troubles have put such a burden on me, i can hardly afford a pack of pampers anymore Whats wrong with this picture??? Noone wants to help us when we are in need, everyone is either broke or claming to be.. where is family when you need them? I really am confused with this whole situation as to why my life can be so crazy insane.
I dont have anyone to talk to about it. I dont have any reasonable soultions.. I would love to leave it all behind and run away... sometimes i think if i was just to divorce myself from this whole crazy situation i could really do alot better for myself and my kids. You see i have what some like to call a strong mind but over the last 4 years of my marriage i have lost it... is it because of his mother? because of his sisters? because of his family..?? or is it my family? my brothers always try and help me when they can, they are actually the only ones i can rely on, the only ones i know will help us and not hold it over my head. Others in both sides of the family just remember what they've done for us, not what i have done for them. I have bent myself backwards for both sides of this insane family... putting out everything i can to calm and silvilze a family but hell in return they only remember the small bits i have done for them whatever though right... i can only live for myself. whatever though right!! whatever... i cant even talk about it anymore im fed up with telling everyone whats wrong with them... they done listen anyways im done for now!