another day in this crazy mixed up world.

These past few weeks have been quite difficult. First, my wondering of where i had gotten in life left me enrolling in a small college program, after the hussle and hassle of all that i felt a little accomplished. Second, battering battle again leaves me confused and discouraged, my husband quit his job of two years, this has once again put my life on hold.. i now will figure out a financial dilema that we have accured. Third, Interview of interview for him have us wondering if jobs are ever going to hire. My anniversary of 4 years of marriage will be at the end of June, and what's a girl to do.. how do you celebrate something that has been such a battle?

My mind dose not work properly anymore, i find myself trying to figure a plan out for our hecktic agenda and yet wind up merely confused as where i should start.

My Children have been giving me a little more than problems lately, some say it's the age, or the new adjustment; I say it's the timing.. they know when to push buttons, when mommy's completley out of her elements... what do you think? there kids heck do they have that ability to know when things are going compeltley wrong? Do they mean to push and push? I have yet to figure that one out.

Simple things have me upset, for instance, looking at my car mileage yesterday really upset me, i bought the car with 140,000 miles and have owned it for 6 months, i bought it because supposidly lexus have the ability to be driven if tooken car of for up to 300,000 miles.. in six months i have put over 30,000 miles i am now at 176,000 miles only because i am the shoufer the one with the reliable vehicle. I feel used when i look at the mileage.. see, simple things like that upset me.

Being that my husband is TEMP OFF WORK, i feel that some of the chores around the house he could help with instead, once again i feel like i still hold my own weight.

To simply sit here and bitch does noithing for my self esteem or my mentailty.. i am the only one who can change the way i feel, only i control my emotions.. but how do i do that??

For now, Leah

Wednesday Afternoon...... Alone at last!

It's a Wednesday here, I am bored.. both children could not keep there eyes open therefore i laid them down, whats weird is i don't know if i can concentrate with out the noise. I have been driving my husband too and from work for the past week, after a disagreement with him taking my car. It's hard being stuck at home with just the thought that you know you cannot go anywhere, my life is filled with unexpected Arron's, any who. I just started the blog thing recently, i have been searching blogs from people all around the world it is quite interesting to see how others live, most of my blogs are just rambling & at times i wish no one knew i had one so i could almost express honesty on here. With me though if others were to know how i truly felt about things, they would be either shocked-mad-discouraged-glad-emotions we don't even know we have, I am just strange i have always felt that way in this world i do however know my place here on earth for the most part, i do not know what gods expectation's are beside try and do right by him and others, i try.. - but see i have so many burning roads that seem to overwhelm me, when i was younger i used to write alot in a what we all call a diary, it was healthy for me to express what i was feeling without having to hear what other people thought about it, i would simply write how i felt and it worked. some sunny or rainy day my wonderful step of a mother literally half the women that a mother is supposed to be, anyhow sore subject shorter, found or (went searching for) still haven't found out the truth behind it all discovered it, i was shamed what i thought was secrets between me and a friend was more humiliating evidence that i was not following or doing right by god, in fact i was far gone of the right road. Later on i had found out that my boyfriend and best friend had relations behind my back not only was i humiliated for what my FATHER had found out..but humiliated from everyone who knew what he and her had done. At that point in my life i think i gave up on hope, trust & true love. Here i am, almost 4 years later, i love & i trust and i hope that things will get better. Just to share a bitter part of my childhood with you that could let you all see who i have become now.
more to share with you later.. off to pick up my husband.

Easter Sunday!

Easter Sunday was great! another year enjoying family && the food that comes with them. LOL. I am a big eater, foods of all shapes and colors.. there isn't much i don't like. Somewhere along the way i grew to appreciate the lords mysterious wonders of the world. I can be a big health nut or a cholesterol junkie. LOL. food in general is amazing. This year we had BBQ brisket, mashed potatoes, fried corn, coleslaw, garlic bread & beans at my request, which was all prepared by my grandmother, I am usually in the kitchen with her carrying on the tradition of preparing the meal for our guest but this year i was playing the Easter bunny hiding the eggs for my 3 year old daughter to hunt. She was super excited when she realized again that they were filled with candy, the wonderful meal was completely out of her mind LOL. We prayed to the lord before we scarfed down the wonderful food which might i add was followed by some amazing banana pudding, which my grandma Lois is keeping the tradition alive with. Before my granny passed away she was the one we relied on to bring the banana pudding, but now that she's gone her daughter is living the tradition on, i am sure that i will also. Easter for me was a day to appreciate the joys of being alive and having such a wonderful family to spend it with. My Grandfather Blake, was deacon of the week at our church Elkins Lake, after some beautiful choir music was sung, he said a perfect prayer. We should all be thankful for what Jesus did and how died such a terrible death to forgive us all for our sins that he knew we would sin. My Father wasn't able to make it to Easter dinner this year, but i know if he could of he would of. He loves us all!

Easter is here, BELIEVE!!!

It seems when i finally get up, i fall right back down. It has been like this most of my life, I am 20 years old & yes i still believe in fairy tail love or well i thought i did. I am also someone who believes that helping someone can lead to an honest life. I believe that everyone and i mean everyone makes a few horrible decision's in there life time, i believe in accepting others from the outside. & cherishing every minute of the ones that are near.
We have all made some rotten mistakes, especially me in the last year. I guess i haven't been to sorry for anything because i have failed at asking God for forgiveness... & whats holding me back is myself. This Easter can we all open our hearts to love completely & cherish our family's, despite the mistakes, despite the stress, despite the situation, Can we all learn to get along and LOVE again like our savior Jesus Christ would of wanted us to do.

Fed UP!!!

Im sitting here, thinking! Of all the things i have done for others i dont quite understand the concept of the good that comes with it. I am so pissed off right now i just need someone to talk to. Things are falling apart, our financial troubles have put such a burden on me, i can hardly afford a pack of pampers anymore Whats wrong with this picture??? Noone wants to help us when we are in need, everyone is either broke or claming to be.. where is family when you need them? I really am confused with this whole situation as to why my life can be so crazy insane.
I dont have anyone to talk to about it. I dont have any reasonable soultions.. I would love to leave it all behind and run away... sometimes i think if i was just to divorce myself from this whole crazy situation i could really do alot better for myself and my kids. You see i have what some like to call a strong mind but over the last 4 years of my marriage i have lost it... is it because of his mother? because of his sisters? because of his family..?? or is it my family? my brothers always try and help me when they can, they are actually the only ones i can rely on, the only ones i know will help us and not hold it over my head. Others in both sides of the family just remember what they've done for us, not what i have done for them. I have bent myself backwards for both sides of this insane family... putting out everything i can to calm and silvilze a family but hell in return they only remember the small bits i have done for them whatever though right... i can only live for myself. whatever though right!! whatever... i cant even talk about it anymore im fed up with telling everyone whats wrong with them... they done listen anyways im done for now!

What is in our past, dosent always stay!

It's been some time since ive played with this, my brothers just got the computer back up and running again, no telling how long before it's broken all over again. For those who dont know we are back in the house, we never stop being punished. What should be a very happy time for us, has turned out to be worrisome & exhausting, weve choose to make the best of things. I will most likely be returning to work soon, our finanical institue has been trying to drown us latley, so i figured i should jump back in the ocean with the big sharks to wrestle them all to the ground.
It's been a little over a year since i have had my son, and it's really strange how the days have gone bye. I feel like i have missed so much, taking on another job wont be easy either, first you feel like things are going to be alright, but eventually the spouses start fading apart, the kids start wondering where the heck is there mom, basically things get difficult. I am going to try and avoid confortation. I think having a mother at home is the best for any child & then i agree with mothers who have to make it by themselfs. My opinions are mine only & in all hopes that they do not offened anyone on here i just feel freely to speak about the wife & housemothers.
We threw a get to gether this weekend. quite strange actually, found out the neighbors true colors, but i had my brothers there protecting the BIGGER sister all the way. it's strange how things wind up. I wish magic truly exsisted, i could wave my magic wand and things would be alright, the pyscho's would be normal, the whores would have respect for themselfs and others, the loud mouths would turn it down a notch, we all have flaws i guess thats one of the biggest things huh? So i was talking with my husband the other night, things used to be so simple before Hurrican IKE.. that name just makes me quiver. I want to start going to church again. I am scared that if i do things will fall back out of place, we were so comfy before, we had a great church and friendly members, and my little girl just loved to be with other kids learning about "jesus" she always is talking about jesus, and even know im not a scholar in that subject i try and anwser all her questions she has... "mommy why does jesus live so far us there? "mommy why does jesus turn out the lights for the whole worls at night? really cute but yet smart questions, sometimes i reply with "one day baby we will all be able to ask him anything we want, so if you can be paitent and just trust that you'll get those anwsered things will work smoothly" she's alot like me, curious about everything and stuborn to the bone. I have repeated my self a hundred times today for her to get that room clean & she will let me waste my breath because she's know's it's going to irriate me so bad i'll end up cleaning it.. Hello, a little help jayleigh would be nice for mommy!!! I guess thats life, my husband called earlier and said he was going to surpise me with something for lunch i was like please done use your debit card, we dont have but like 2 dollars in the bank, i think it upset his figure and mentailty of a man that he is... upset because i ruined the surpise but heck had i let him gone through with whatever then 2 days later our account would be showing overdrawn.
Ciggerate prices went up, almost makes me want to quit. I mean i want to quit but i dont want to go through the actuality of letting the nicotine go forever. The days when i feel like i cant go on a ciggerate is a friend for the needy. It is like 7 dollars a pack now, so being there is no money in the bank im writing to help clear my mind of it... i guess it's not working too well considering im writing a paragraph about ciggerates. LOL!
The yard is disastrious... straight torn up, but i spoke to our insurance company who i think is going to replace the grass and dirt that was torn up because of the machinary that was brought in to remove the tree's. That is one positive.
I am getting so desperate for money now! I cant stop stressing about anything. which is one more reason i smoke. It seems like i have bundles of stress lying on my shoulder that i just wish would roll off. i guess thats life though.
I will write tomorrow. "bon voage for now"

OVERWHELMED

Today is March 19, 2009 & i have 8 days until i am able to move back into my home that was damaged by Hurricane Ike. Instead of feeling what should be a since of relief i feel so OVERWHELMED, it feels like everything around me and close to me is out of my reach. The packing wont do itself and the kids wont make there own lunch, the bills are not paying themselves & my husband's doc apt are sucking are bank account dry. This isn't the first time Ive felt like this, in fact in the month of March it's been pure stress. Stress is going to come and go i understand that & there isn't any advice that friends haven't told me yet. I guess i kinda feel like as much as i do for others, family in general, there should be a little more concern. Do i not show my worrisome enough, do other just not care what I'm going through? what is it that my family cant see clear enough that i need some HELP, i have a sister in law, who's jobless, kid less and worrisome less. I wish she was knocking at my door step right now offering a little bit of help. Or brothers who are in the same boat, but in reality i am guessing they are all about how they can help themselves, because i sit here at this computer.. going over and over in my head, & trying to make list that are not worth making. The reality is: There is not enough arms, time, strenght or mind mentality to do it all by myself. I don't even know where to start. And even if i did the hurt of no help bothers me considering all that i do for others.. the days i have took en off of work to run and Arron for someone, or the sleepless nights Ive stayed awake crying with that broken hearted girl, or the hours spent doing things that didn't benefit me. I am starting to believe that i just need to let them all figure things out on there own, find a new person to lean on & then pick myself up and learn all over again how to take care of myself.

My 1st blog

This is my first blog, i have decided to start writing these as a passage to the real world, i figure that my life is interesting enough that others might just want to read about it.
My names is Leah, i am 20 yrs of age. I have two kids, one girl and one boy. The are by far my gift from god. I am a wife of a wonderful husband, and i spend most of my days teaching and learning from my children. Life is full of wonderful surpised, i have been blessed in many ways, some might say differently. I have a struggle life as we call it, but when i do get time to sit back and enjoy it i think of all the wonderful things i have & it corrects me. The lord works in the most weirdest ways as they say. I never really saw myself so young raising kids i figured when i got done raising my brothers i would set out and enjoy my life. The thing about that is life takes some turns quick and your either going to steer that way or wreck into the wall. I have grown to realize just exactally what parents are for. Parents dont consist of a mom and dad, they can be a sister or a aunt, or in my cast a single father & a caring grandmother. Back then if you would of asked me what i thought about my life i would of told you that it was TERRIBLE, but that was before i saw the brighter things in it. I was a clothed kid & i had a car at 16, i also had a roof over my head and food on the table at all times. I was like most teens, i couldnt understand why my mother left & was trying to deal with what life dealt me. It wasnt until i had my daughter did i really appreicate the love and support that my father & grandmother gave me. Before i despised them, i felt so mistreated but i wasnt, i was well tooken care of.. and well disciplined at that matter. None of us are perfect, and none of us will ever be, god made us different & all full of mistakes. i think and wonder sometimes does my Mother ever regret leaving her 3 children behind? Does she wonder what her life would of been like with us in it? That is the past & the past cannot be changed! I can only feel remorse for her soul, she missed out on some intellegent kids, so smart individuals if you know what i mean. I have two full blooded brothers, who if you were to ask are more like my kids. Everyday it seems like im telling them what there doing wrong, but in reality when i have times like this to think about it, i think about how Awesome it is to have them in my life, & where i would be without them? Bubba my oldest brother still my baby brother is strong minded like his father, he's going to be a great father himself oneday, but for now he has supported me in everyway a sister would need support, during my ruff times he was holding my hand through it all, believing in me deep down he knew i would make it through it all, he has the faith in me that i have always had in him. Chris he is my youngest baby brother & some prefer to treat him that way, he was a true bully to us, but that boy has a heart full of gold. He never hesitates to give his last dime to that dr.pepper, & he is one of the best uncles a sister could ask for, I would love to die knowing he has made something of himself because with potential like his, it should not be waisted. Larry jr, my father, is one incredible man, his temper flares but he loves like a kid with a puppy dog, he recently got married to a wonderful women named allie which i love deeply for putting that smile on his face everyday. He was a single father to three kids and did the best i have ever seen a man do at raising a daughter & at that 3 kids who where all lost and confused. Lois, she is my grandmother, she has worked hard to have the things she does and some consider her rich and selfish of her money, but i think she's not, i think the women has given dollars and dimes to make sure her grandkids where well tooken care of, she's put every thought and care into every punishment & "so called talks we get" she stood by us kids when noone thought there was hope for us. She's a gift from the heavens above. Next is my Husband, Josh, This man is unlike no other, He's kind and loving and we joke sometimes about how i should of been the man & he be the women, he cares for me and my family like we where all his own. He loves me deeply, like no man could ever love a women. He is another gift. I hope i didnt bore you with this first blog about my life, i felt it was appropriate to explain myself a little and the people that i cherish most. Until next time, Leah